


twitter beef so salty and scalding hot that it's a well done steak

by impravidus



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Banter, Bickering, Bisexual Peter Parker, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gay Harley Keener, Humor, M/M, POV Outsider, Secret Relationship, Social Media, Twitter, kind of, not really - Freeform, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25311445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: CEO of Stark Industries, Harley Keener, and head of Avengers of Spider-Man have a Twitter feud, and no one knows why they hate each other's guts.Featuring memes and slang that will most likely be outdated by the time this story is set.(sort of a sequel toteetering the line on borrowed time
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener/Peter Parker
Comments: 38
Kudos: 800
Collections: MCU_Peter_social-media, Spider-Man Public Identity Reveal





	twitter beef so salty and scalding hot that it's a well done steak

**Author's Note:**

  * For [censored](https://archiveofourown.org/users/censored/gifts).



> fun surprises in the links :•)

.-~*~-.

**Stark Industries @StarkIndustries**

Click here to see Stark Industries CEO, Harley Keener, discuss his revolutionary plans for cutting carbon emissions in SI power plants and factories. [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

**Harley Keener @htkeener**

I am very excited to announce SI’s next step in curbing climate change at one of it’s biggest sources. This research could not have been so successful without the aid of my incredibly intelligent team that has been working non-stop to bring this to the public.

**> Harley Keener @htkeener**

Change comes from perseverance. Change comes from the people. We have to work for change. We cannot stand idly by while our planet faces its detriment. We must come together and make that change. Be the change we need.

**kat @lavender_tea**

**👀** uhhhhh is it just me or is spidey suspiciously quiet in response to the new Harley Keener interview?

**> i am the ha to the yee @cassiopeia**

@lavender_tea ,,,oh yikes he is. where is the twitter beef, spoods? 

**> >ava @angxlsgrxce**

@cassiopeia maybe he just has no beef with clean air and fighting against climate change???? he may be a dramatic bitch, but he has morals.

**> >>i am the ha to the yee @cassiopeia **

@angxlsgrxce that’s big tea. #spideyvsclimatechange #sivsclimatechange #harleykeenervsclimatechange

**Harley Keener @htkeener**

Why is #spideyvsclimatechange trending when Stark Industries is the one implementing the new filtration systems to combat GHG emissions? What has Spider-Man done for the climate rather than create unnecessary chemical fires taking down burning buildings with glorified silly string?

**> Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener Bold words coming from a man who clearly didn’t replicate spider silk at the age of fourteen and obviously doesn’t understand that my biodegradable webs cause no chemical smoke when they smother fires. 

**> >Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey Oh, smother fires? Is that the excuse you make when you leave behind the monstrosity of a clean up for the real firefighters to deal with?

**> >>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener I’ll have you know that I do not, and never have claimed to be, a replacement for the firefighters who are more trained and more equipped to handle the fires. My job is to protect the citizens in them in any way I can. But I guess me and my silly string can handle the life-saving and fire smothering, despite your beratement. 

**uwu @lilacsandlilies**

oh shit. did u guys see the recent spidey & harley keener interaction? it was brutal

**> Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

@lilacsandlilies Why does the CEO of Stark Industries even have beef with the head of the Avengers? Doesn’t SI fund the Avengers and make all of their tech?

**> >rose tyler can step on me @museofastronomy**

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff No one knows why they hate each other’s guts, but they both apprenticed under Tony Stark, so people think it has to come from that. Harley Keener got stark industries and Spider-Man got the avengers.

**> >>sarah @sarahg625**

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff Rumor has it that they can’t stand to be in the same room together. Spider-Man makes his own tech just so he doesn’t have to use Keener tech. 

**> >>>Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

@sarahg625 That’s so petty. The guy who preaches caring about all people with no prejudice to their background and looking out for the little guy can’t stand to be cordial with a man doing everything he can to promote technological advancement and environmental recovery and spends millions on him and his team? Ridiculous.

**> >>>>uwu @lilacandlilies**

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff idk if ur like a harley keener stan or somethin but spider-man does SO MUCH outside of just his avenging. he started up charities for counseling for the underprivileged after experiencing trauma, sustains the orphanages established after the blip, advocates for all minorities, especially the LGBTQIA+ community, (1/3)

**> >>>>> uwu @lilacandlilies**

established real and amazing resources for people who suffer domestic violence, works with children’s hospitals all over the country, and is the literal spokesman for organizations aiding the impoverished and homeless of which he has raised BILLIONS of dollars for (2/3)

**> >>>>>> uwu @lilacandlilies**

so yeah, he Does look out for the little guy, and he does a fuck ton for the little guy, so having a twitter feud with ONE person, when he has clearly shown to be respectful and mature, and has not faltered in his duties, really Does Not Matter. and that is the tea. 

.-~*~-.

_[The video is taken vertically on a StarkPhone, held by a shaky hand. Spider-Man, with a bisexual flag worn like a cape, hugs a trans teen with shaggy bright green hair and whispers something to him that cannot be picked up by the camera. When the teen pulls away, he wipes a stray tear and says thank you._

_“Spider-Man!” the young woman behind the camera calls. “Did you see that Harley Keener is attending pride this year?”_

_Spider-Man’s big bright white eyes squint. “He’s here?”_

_“Yes! He is wearing a holographic rainbow suit.”_

_“I’ll keep an eye out for him. Make sure I don’t run into him. Thanks for warning me,” he says with a curt nod._

_“No problem!” she responds. “Do you think he is here to support pride or doing it as a marketing ploy to make Stark Industries seem more accessible to the LGBT demographic?”_

_Spider-Man puts his hands on his hips. “Harley Keener may be a self-absorbed airhead with an ego the size of the corn fields he grew up frolicking in, but he would never manipulate the public just for the monetary gain of SI. He is a proud and flaming homosexual, and he hasn’t made any effort to hide it, so maybe check your facts before accusing him of something like that.”_

_Spider-Man gives one last nod before jogging back into the crowd.]_

.-~*~-.

**laken @lakenisangst**

[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/a45b2e99fd689ebc002cfea696b2859c/4e32b8c245570fd1-73/s640x960/ac154d1c908704ebbe828923487f617791b0e409.jpg)

**> rose tyler can step on me @museofastronomy**

@lakenisangst What rock have you been living under lmao Harley Keener has been married for eight years??? His husband is award winning, renowned scientist, Peter Parker??? You know, the guy who cured CAM, a terminal illness that was a medical mystery at the time, at Seventeen Mother Hecking Years Old??? 

**> >rose tyler can step on me @museofastronomy**

These guys have the love story OF THE CENTURY. Peter Parker found the cure to CAM because Harley Freaking Keener had CAM. You heard me right. Peter Parker found the cure to an incurable disease to save the man he loved. That is some fanfic shit right there.

**> >>rose tyler can step on me @museofastronomy**

They are literally the power couple of our generation. They just aren’t very public about their relationship because they value their privacy. 

**> >>>ava @angxlsgrxce **

find u a man that cures an incurable terminal disease bc he loves u 

**> i am the ha to the yee @cassiopeia**

okay, but did anyone else see spider-man actively defend harley keener??? this is a BREAKTHROUGH. i dont think ’ive ever heard him say one nice thing about harley keener, but he full out said that he wasn’t a bad guy.

 **> >** **kat @lavender_tea**

@cassiopeia the gays gotta stick together. no twitter feud will keep the gays from protecting each other from the stinky homophobes

.-~*~-.

.-~*~-.

**Spider-Man @officialspidey**

Happy Birthday, @peterbparker. Hope you and your smelly husband have a wonderful time with the surprise tickets to the revival cast of Legally Blonde on Broadway he got you :-)

**> Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey How the FUCK do You know about the surprise tickets to the revival cast of Legally Blonde I got?

**> >Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener :-)

**Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

So no one is going to talk about how @officialspidey ruined @peterbparker’s birthday surprise on Twitter? For everyone to see? If Spider-Man is so recklessly vengeant on pissing off a man that has done nothing wrong and just wanted a nice evening with his husband, how can we trust him to keep a level head when he’s fighting for our country?

**> azar @madasazar**

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff not to burst your anti-spidey bubble, but he and peter parker are actually friends irl. they worked on dr. parker’s medical triage together, based off of spider-man’s webs. they worked on the project together for months, and spider-man endorsed him. have you considered that peter had told spider-man?

**> >azar @madasazar**

and i think the word you’re thinking of is vindictive, which you clearly are :)

.-~*~-.

**Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey If you could please refrain from sticking your grimy fingers on the side of my building, and spotting up the windows with your filthy footie pajamas, that’d be great, thanks.

**> Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener It’s your fault for making your office be on the top floor. So cliche btw. 

**> >Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey Use the elevator???

**> >>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener But then I can’t tap on the glass of your office and watch you squirt barbecue sauce all over your nice dress pants that you think make your ass look good :-)

**> >>>Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey Uhm, my ass looks Great in those dress pants.

**> >>>>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener @peterbparker come get your mans

**> >>>>>Peter Parker @peterbparker**

@officialspidey @htkeener Your ass does look great, sweetie, but not as nice as Spidey’s.

**> >>>>>>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@peterbparker @htkeener HA! Your mans is now my mans. No take backs. 

**Elise @yellowcar**

So, uh, what’s going on with Peter Parker and Spider-Man? There is a new development in the Harley Keener/Spider-Man mysterious feud. Perhaps it has something to do with the previously private and silent Peter Parker?

**> kat @lavender_tea**

@yellowcar uhhhh,,, p- peter parker and spider-man are exes

**> >i am the ha to the yee @cassiopea**

@lavender_tea i’ll raise you one. harley keener and spider-man are exes.

**> >> sarah @sarahg625**

@cassiopea

.-~*~-.

**Avengers @avengers**

Current alien attack in progress. Avengers on the scene in Washington, DC. 

**Avengers @avengers**

If you live in the DMV area, please evacuate to the Benjamin Mary Richard Foundation safehouses in West Virginia, and North Carolina until further notice.

.-~*~-.

On August 24, 2035, head of Avengers, Spider-Man, and CEO of Stark Industries, Harley Keener, called an imperative press conference following the aftermath of the Drimxyl invasion.

Spider-Man and Dr. Harley Keener sit side by side at the table with microphones, the Young Avengers on Spider-Man’s side and Avengers technical expert, Edward Leeds, next to Dr. Keener.

Spider-Man: Good afternoon. Due to the recent invasion and the damage it has caused to the state of Virginia, the Avengers, Stark Industries, and the American government will be partnering to rebuild the damage, stabilize the Virginia economy with the rapid and sudden influx of unemployment due to the destruction of thousands of businesses, provide monetary relief and shelter to those who no longer have habitable homes, and as always, offer counseling through the Benjamin Mary Richard Foundation. 

Harley Keener: In addition, Stark Industries will ensure that reconstruction will be as efficient, both time and cost, as it can be. It never gets easier dealing with a tragedy at this scale, but we have precedents in place to make sure that we treat this with prudence and tenacity.

Spider-Man: We would like to open up the floor to show our complete transparency with our steps going forward.

.-~*~-.

**ava @angxlsgrxce**

so i was watching the press conference from this afternoon and uhhhh that definitely doesn’t look like the look you give someone you hate the guts of

****

**> Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

@angxlgrxce 🙄 Stop looking into things that aren’t there. He is being an amiable, professional adult. Obviously he is going to smile and listen when Spider-Man is talking.

**> >ava @angxlgrxce**

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff idk about u dude but that’s definitely not just a “i’m listening and being polite smile” like,,, here’s a pic of him looking at his husband 

**> >>Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

@angxlgrxce You can’t honestly be insinuating that Harley Keener is having an affair with Spider-Man.

**> >>>ava @angxlgrxce **

@MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff i’m not?????? when did i say that???? i just,,, i think they may be closer than they lead us to believe.

**> >>>>Mariberri @MinoredinAngstMajoredinFluff**

@angxlgrxce You enjoy being consumed by your silly, pointless delusions while the rest of us live in the real world.

.-~*~-.

**Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener doesn’t know how to tie his shoes. He isn’t fit to be CEO.

**> Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey My hypothetical ability to tie my shoes has nothing to do with my competency.

**> >Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of you pulling the flaps of your velcro shoes.

**> >>Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey At least I don’t ask for ketchup when I order grilled lemon and pepper chicken at a five star gourmet restaurant. And no, it’s not the same as putting ketchup on chicken nuggets.

**> >>>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT??? The only thing missing is the breading.

**> >>>>Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey THAT’S WHY YOU USE THE KETCHUP! BECAUSE IT HAS THE BREADING! IT’S DIFFERENT!

**> >>>>>Spider-Man @officialspidey**

@htkeener HOW IS IT DIFFERENT?! THE BREADING DOES NOT CONSTITUTE THE NEED FOR THE KETCHUP. THE KETCHUP ELEVATES THE CHICKEN FLAVOR.

**> >>>>>>Harley Keener @htkeener**

@officialspidey BUT YOU DON’T ASK FOR KETCHUP AT A FIVE STAR GOURMET RESTAURANT!

**i am the ha to the yee @cassiopea**

so uh i was joking about spidey and harley keener being exes but uh,,, did anyone else see the subtext in their last twitter encounter?

**> kat @lavender_tea**

@cassieopea was crack twitter,,, Right???

**> >Elise @yellowcar**

@lavender_tea Before people start speculating, let’s remember that Spider-Man and Harley Keener have both proven to like to stay very private people, and what happens and has happened in their personal lives is none of our business. Let’s not make this another Phan or Larry Stylinson thing, aight? Harley Keener is married, and happily married at that. 

**> >>i am the ha to the yee @cassiopea**

@yellowcar spitting facts

.-~*~-.

_[Excerpt of Harley Keener on the Science Scoop with Sandy Sullivan podcast.]_

_SS: So, there’s been a lot of speculation on your Twitter feud with Spider-Man._

_HK: (Chuckles softly) Is that so?_

_SS: What exactly is your issue with the beloved Avenger?_

_HK: Well he’s a little [BLEEP] is what he is. He’s insufferable and knows how to push each and every button until I’m steaming from the ears. He’s easily excitable and because he has to be careful in his work on and off the field, he’s very impulsive and makes a lot of thoughtless decisions in his free time. Like, last Saturday. He bought every dessert on the menu at his favorite cafe and ate every single pastry just because he can metabolize it. He was sick after, obviously. No matter how many times I tell him that his super metabolism doesn’t equate to the ability to eat whatever he wants, he still mindlessly munches on three containers of grapes because they don’t leave residue on his fingers like chips or other dried snacks. And then he gets_ sick _of whatever food he has decided was the food of the day and refuses to eat it again because he ruined it for himself. The rotation of different foods is constant and he never realizes that he should just eat a large variety and then he wouldn’t have that problem. Then again, I’m not the one that has to eat tens of thousands of calories a day._

_SS: You eat together a lot, then?_

_HK: Hm?_

_SS: You seem to know a lot about his eating habits._

_HK: Despite popular belief, we do work together in the labs on Avengers equipment. He is a very talented engineer, mechanical and chemical. His knowledge on combat logistics is indispensable._

_SS: So you’ve seen him eat in the lab._

_HK: Uh, yeah. Yes._

.-~*~-.

**sarah @sarahg625**

harley keener talks about spider-man really… fondly. like, you can hear him smiling while he’s talking about him. what does this mean???

**Elise @yellowcar**

The plot thickens.

**azar @madasazar**

y’all be like

.-~*~-.

**Spider-Man @officialspidey**

Harley, you made it to thirty five. You lived long enough to see a fantastic, amazing, wonderful, thirty five years, which I know you didn’t always think you would. You overcame CAM, you got your pHds, you married a (fantastic and very handsome) man that loves you so much, and have never ceased to amaze me with your tenacity and your dedication. You are the love of my life, Harley Keener, and I hope you have the happiest birthday.

**The Daily Bugle @TheDailyBugle**

BREAKING NEWS: Head of Avengers, Spider-Man accidentally reveals his identity as renowned scientist, Peter Parker? Read more here: [ https://www.thedailybugle/spider-man-identity-reveal ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc2wW5y8Fuk)

**BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed**

Top 30 Hints That Peter Parker Was Spider-Man All Along That You Never Noticed! [ buzzfeed.com/ronanjohnmason//top-30-hints-that-peter-parker-was-spider-man-all-along-that-you-never-noticed ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xud0YWhQsXc)

**Avengers @avengers**

Spider-Man will be holding a press conference this at 1:00PM EST.

**i am the ha to the yee @cassiopeia**

uhm,, guys?? holy fuck??? h- have we been trolled for a full ass decade?

**> kat @lavender_tea**

out of all of the timelines i had expected, this is not the one i thought we were in

**> >ava @angxlsgrxce**

so let me get this straight: spider-man and harley keener’s twitter feud was all a LIE?! my whole world has been shaken to the core. i am astonished. absolutely flabbergasted. 

.-~*~-.

Peter Parker and Harley Keener sit on a dark grey couch, a silhouette of a cityscape behind them at Late Night with Betty Brant. The two wear matching grey suits, black t-shirts underneath.

“I swear, we didn’t plan to match. It just happened. We actually took different cars. You’d think we would coordinate, but now we just look like _that couple_ ,” Peter says.

“You knew I would wear this suit!” Harley exclaims.

“Yeah, yeah, because it hugs your ass and gives it the shape that it doesn’t actually have,” Peter drones.

“Well, some of us aren’t gifted with super abs, thank you very much,” Harley grumbles. “Besides, you were definitely not complaining over the ‘lack of shape’ last night.”

Peter’s face goes bright red, his posture sinking down.

Betty sits back, arms crossed, an amused grin on her face. “Well, thank you both for coming on my show. I’m sure news outlets are hounding you to get you on air.”

“Yes, thank you for having us,” Harley replies smoothly.

“So, let’s address the elephant in the room,” Betty starts. “Peter. You’re Spider-Man.”

“I am indeed,” Peter says with a nod.

“We’d love to hear the story from you. How it all started,” she says, leaning forward.

“Well, I was thirteen when I got my powers. Confidential stuff, can’t give all the deets, but it flipped my world upside down. The night before, I was legally blind with a prescription of 20/350 and couldn’t walk up the three flights of stairs to my apartment without needing my rescue inhaler. The next morning, I crushed my glasses in my palm trying to pick them up before realizing that I could so perfectly, that I could see individual dust particles in the air. Readjustments to my new way of life took a lot of getting used to, but I started to find a way. Becoming Spider-Man wasn’t in the realm of possibility for me at the time. That was until I… I uhm…” Peter looks tentatively at Harley.

The blonde laces his fingers in his, rubbing a thumb on the back of his hand.

“My Uncle got shot by a mugger. And I… it was hard. It was really hard. And at the time, I blamed myself, because I had these powers, and I didn’t use them to save him so I…” Peter swallows hard. “Anyways, his death inspired me to help the people. I had these powers, and I realized that I needed to use them to do good. So, I stopped petty theft and helped elderly ladies carry their groceries to their apartments and stepped in when guys got handsy on the street, and I… I was just doing that for a while.

“Little things turned to bigger things when I met Tony Stark. He recruited me for a big mission and then… well, he didn’t get back to me for a while. And, in the desperate attempts to prove myself, I went after Adrian Toomes. That was my first big bad. Then things just snowballed from there. I turned down a spot on the Avengers, but I still got called in when bigger bads came. Tony became a mentor to me, and we grew really close, and eventually, he had offered me the spot to take over the new generation of the Avengers.

“Of course, I have my day job. Curing an incurable disease at seventeen opens up a lot of doors for you going into the biomedical field. It was difficult keeping that balance for a while, especially when I was training the next generation of Avengers, but Harley kept me sane through it all.”

“You and Harley, you’ve been together for…” Betty starts.

“Well, we started dating sophomore year of high school, but we took a break for a couple months senior year. But, we got back together in February 2019. And then, well it’s all history after that,” Harley says, looking at Peter with a lovestruck gaze, squeezing his hand.

“You two definitely don’t seem like two people who despise each other. How exactly did the Twitter feud start?” she asks.

“It goes back pretty far, actually,” Harley says. “It started as an inside joke with our friends when Peter had made the Spider-Man Twitter. At the time, it had already been leaked that I was Pepper’s successor and was in the process of being trained and educated for the position, but not many people knew the kind of person I was. And Spider-Man, though being famous for being one of the more accessible and friendly supers, the person behind the mask was still a mystery. The Twitter beef gave me the opportunity to show the public a piece of my personality as I worked to gain their trust and humanized Spider-Man.”

“And it was fun,” Peter adds.

Harley chuckles. “Yes. And it was fun.”

“And why did you let it go on for so long?” Betty asks.

“Well, it was fun. Anyone in our real life will tell you that we can be a bit of the insufferable, stuck in honeymoon, lovey-dovey couple. But, we also like to tease each other, and poke and annoy each other, and Twitter was a safe space to do so where we knew we would never push too far because we had an audience,” Peter explains.

“It was always light-hearted and we never once pushed each other too far. We love each other too much to do that,” Harley adds.

“What are you going to do now that the truth is out?” Betty asks.

Peter smiles. “I think that chapter of our lives is coming to a close. My Spider-Man tweets will be replaced by my main account, and well, if we get in a little argument on Twitter there, then I guess we’ll just have to see,” Peter says, a fond smile on his lips. 

.-~*~-.

**Harley Keener @htkeener**

@peterbparker uses kid’s bubblegum toothpaste.

**> Peter Parker @peterbparker**

@htkeener >:( It’s not my fault that my body rejects mint and the Spider-Man brand of bubblegum toothpaste is yummy.

**> >Peter Parker @peterbparker**

Besides, you use orange toothpaste juuuust for me. Because you are a good hubby and you loooove me. 

**> >>Harley Keener @htkeener**

@peterbparker That’s right. I do love you. 

**United States Trending**

  * **#ParknerIsOTP**



**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat, my Tumblr is [official-impravidus](https://official-impravidus.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you want to join a Parkner Discord, click [here!](https://discord.gg/vztSVpg)


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